FUNNY ONELINERS....!!!!!!!!!!!! NEW!!!!!!!

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Hang up and drive.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... until you can find a rock.

Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.