One Liners Paradise

Thursday, January 11, 2007

FUNNY HEIGHTS..........!!!!!!!!!!!

Height of unemployment!
cobwebs b/w the legs of a prostitute.......!!

Height of intelligence--
Bush reading newspaper

Height of Irritation:
A one handed guy hanging from a cliff, and his balls itching...

Height of optimism
Ganguly applyin sunscreen b4 goin 2 bat

Height of Bravery:
A naked man bending over to pick up a dollar on an island full of gays...

Height of darkness
Negro couple fucking in a coal mine

Height of computerisation
A girl drowning in a swimming pool and shouting F1 F1

Height of pain
riding ur ass on a razor down a rocky slide, using your balls as breaks and suddenly jumping into a well of aftershave...

Height of dehydration...
A cow givin milk powder

Height of telling lies..
a negro taking bath in the sea..and singing...paani mai jale mera gora badan..!!

Height of impossibility
pamela anderson fallin flat on her face

Height of revenge
a bastard enterin a condom factory with a pin.

Height of mixed emotions
When ur mother in law falls from 7th floor on ur new mercedes!!!!

Height of flirting / desperation
when u r writing a love letter and start it with...."to whomsoever it may concern"

Height of innocence
16 yr old gal apply clearesil on her tits

Height of heights!!
shittin' on mt. everest to make it one inch taller!!!

Height of coincidence..
myfather n my mother got married on the same day.........

Height of challenge
not answering any ques n writing on d last page of exam 'AGAR APNE BAAP KI AULAD HAI TO PASS KARKE DIKHA'

Height of ambition !!!
An ant climbing on an elephant's leg with the intention to rape....

Height of possessiveness..
Constipation!!

Height of will power....
looking in the face of a topless girl

Height of trust
two cannibals giving each other blowjob

Monday, January 08, 2007

FUNNY THINGS... NOT TO SAY DURING SEX!!!

i thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs!!!!

hey! my friends were right.. you ARE good!

on a second thought.. lets turn the lights off!!

do i have to pay for this???

oh baby u r such a proffessional........!

girl: that was fun....but u know what........mine used to be bigger than yours!

do u swallow?????

u don't mind herpes do u?

oh god that was great ... wat did u say your name was again ... !

u have a big mole on either of ur chest. !

Dats not how ur mama does it !!

actually your sister "likes" it like this!!

when is this supposed to feel good??

Smile for the Camera!!

uuhhh... i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago!!!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

FUNNYYY TONGUE TWISTERS!!!! -- HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

*YELLOW LORRY RED LORRY

*UPPER ROLLER LOWER ROLLER

*SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE

*BAD BLOOD GOOD BLOOD

*THE SIXTH SHEIK’S SIXTH SHEEPS SICK

*BETTY BOUGHT A BIT OF BUTTER, THE BUTTER WAS BITTER, BETTY BOUGHT ANOTHER BIT OF BUTTER, THE BUTTER WAS BETTER THAN THE BITTER BUTTER!

*BED BUG BLACK BLOOD

*NINE NICE NIGHT NURSES NURSING NICELY

*RED BREAD'S BRED FROM THE DEAD WHO BLED,
"AND NOW DREAD THE SHED WHERE U GET THE RED BREAD,"
THT'S WHAT THE DEAD SAID INSTEAD

Thursday, December 28, 2006

FUNNYYYYY --- "THE MAN CODE"

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his
fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist,
accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail
within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond
that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a
girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5
minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on
the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may
gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even
remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is
your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with
the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is
required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of
the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you
may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to
prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical
beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to
fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs
is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push
it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass,
are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just
plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex
pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or
both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

FUNNIEST EXCUSE WEN U FORGET UR WIFE'S BDAY!!!!!

guys... u can use this if u forget ur sweetheart's bday...!!! i m sure she wud have never heard anything better!! (wink! wink!)

"But how do you expect me to remember when you never look any older?"

FUNNY WORD PLAY...

whoever came up with these... surely had hell lot of time to waste------

DORMITORY:When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:When you rearrange the letters:THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLER

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

FUNNY TEN THINGS

Top ten things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman:



1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?

2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!

3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.

4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.

6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!

7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!

8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!

9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?

10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and FUNNYYYYYYYYY answers supplied where appropriate

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Actually, we import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What exactly did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, although you personally should be safe enough. If you are still worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to pay her by the hour, just like last time.

22. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Friday, December 15, 2006

FAMOUS FUNNY QUOTES BY CELEBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him." - Cher

"When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living." -Helen Rowland

"Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name." -
Joan Rivers

"If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children -- they leave skid marks." -Rita Rudner

"If you talk about yourself, he'll think you're boring. If you talk about others, he'll think you're a gossip. If you talk about him, he'll think you're a brilliant conversationalist." - Linda Sunshine

"The male is a domestic animal, which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." -Jilly Cooper

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women." -Marion Smith
"Beware of the man who praises women's liberation, he is about to quit his job." -Erica Jong

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" -Warren Hutcherson

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." -A. Whitney Brown

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -Roseanne

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. -Unknown, presumed deceased

"Happiness is like peeing in your pants... everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth." -Unkown

"What makes me tick? I don't know, but the noise is driving me nuts." - Michael Hayward

"There are three sides to every story - yours, mine, and all that lie between. " -Jody Kern

FUNNYY... WHAT WOMEN CAN GET AWAY WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our
clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and
shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of
our scores and the size of our... womanhood.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any
other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.

Friday, December 08, 2006

The Male Vocabulary.... FUNNYYYY!!!!

Statement: "Haven't I seen you before?"
True Meaning: "Nice butt."

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of pleasing myself."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends About it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thoughthe was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinningmedicine.

God must love stupid people; she made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Proscrastinate Now! (I do this well)

My dog can lick anyone!

I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up threethousand times the
memory on your computer.

HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime comitmentfor a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music

funny jokes..... ADULT!!

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
*******************************

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.
********************************

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
**********************************

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
***********************************

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
*************************************

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:
"She choked."
****************************************

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to he astonished patrons. I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.
"The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's mouth.After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but do not hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
*****************************************

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in there a huge black dude is standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound right ball , Turner Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said, "Turn around."
****************************************

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast tableone morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at his breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked? "
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!

FUNNY ONELINERS....!!!!!!!!!!!! NEW!!!!!!!

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Hang up and drive.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... until you can find a rock.

Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

MORE FACTS OF LIFE !!!!

76: Remember to match your type of lover to your type of loving.

77: Laugh at those who trouble you. Maybe they'll start laughing too.

78: Find someone who is sad and cheer them up. You'll feel much better after.

79: There is no reason to be sad.

80: Whenever you're lost, think of something you really like to do, then do it. A little fun will
wash the windows of your soul and let you see where you are going.

81: Remember, it's all your own fault.

82: Pain is how we remind ourselves that we made a mistake.

83: Pain is good feeling over-amplified.

84: Life is the game where only a moral victory counts.

85: Don't go to the butcher's for doughnuts.

86: Patience is the supreme virtue. It also helps in the attainment of the other virtues.

87: Sometimes the hardest thing is to have fun and really enjoy it.

88: If the laundromat gets to you, remember the 49'ers had their laundry sent to Hawaii.

89: It wasn't meant that we be enslaved by our free will. It just sort of happened.

90: Problems are just simple questions we've never had practice answering.

91: We only practice free will when we choose between two correct actions.

92: Freedom of choice is not the ability to choose between A or B but the ability to choose either
or neither.

93: Depression is like sleep. A little helps, just enough works wonders, and a lot will ruin you.

94: One of the hardest lessons is learning to say, "I love you."

95: Emotion is man's greatest and purest form of communication.

96: If I knew, really knew why I am here, I probably wouldn't be.

97: The soul is that which sees the truth. The mind, unfortunately, controls our bodies.

98: The mind is like a pinball machine.

99: Remember the difference between comfort and pleasure.

100: My opinion has no bearing on your reality.

MORE ONELINERS... FACTS OF LIFE..!!!

51: Intelligence is the root of all evil... ...and all good.

52: The morality of an issue may be discovered by studying the possible effects on all involved.

53: Beauty is the beholder.

54: The beauty we see partakes of what we would be.

55: Beware the philosopher who lives what he teaches.

56: It is better to light a single candle than to set the world on fire.

57: Boredom is the father of invention.

58: Adversity breeds philosophy.

59: A prophet is not listened to until he is acknowledged by another prophet.

60: In a debate, the way to make your opponent appear foolish is to act dumb.

61: A philosopher is someone who can make circular logic look like a straight line function.

62: God's existence is not dependant upon our belief in Him. But our existence is dependant
upon His belief in us.

63: Darkness is more honest than light.

64: Don't pay back a good deed. Pay it forward. Paying it back defeats the purpose.

65: Logic tells us that one and one is two. Imagination tells us that one and one is seven.

66: A lone star shining through the clouds is more beautiful than a sky full of stars.

67: Which is more beautiful; a caterpillar, a cocoon, or a butterfly?

68: Which is more striking? That men are all of one race and yet all different, or that men, being
all so different are yet all one race?

69: I believe that man's final purpose is to yell to the universe, "I am here!" and get an answer.

70: We get out of life whatever we choose to put into it. This is why so many people are
unhappy.

71: We must all live our lives in the way we are best suited.

72: Living is like jamming to hard rock.

73: Experience is the only teacher.

74: Always get a second opinion.

75: You always have an alternative.

Friday, December 01, 2006

MORE ONELINES.. THEY MAY NOT BE FUNNY!! BUT THEY R VERY VERY TRUE!!!!!

26: Why is it that two minds are dumber than one?

27: Revolution is the means whereby men free themselves of old oppressors in order to make
room for new oppressors.

28: Assassination attempts are the sign of an effective politician. The assassination need not be
physical.

29: Remember, Rome didn't fall all in one day.

30: The most powerful force in the physical universe is human cussedness.

31: Never give your real name to strangers.

32: Keep all of your sense alert! The next stranger you meet may be your best friend.

33: No gift is too big to give, nor is any debt too small to repay.

34: Friendship consists of a mingling of souls.

35: There is no fairer flower than a friend's smile.

36: The is no more magnificent spring than renewing an old friendship.

37: The first time you meet a friend is really the second time.

38: Every time you see a friend is really the first time.

39: Friends are God's greatest gift to man.

40: The saddest sight in the world is two people passing each other in silence.

41: Something is wrong when one plus one becomes two.

42: A person who is a tower of strength to those in need may find himself trapped behind those
walls when he is in trouble.

43: Friendship can be a terrible weapon in the wrong hands.

44: We are all bound by our truths.

45: Be careful in the truths you tell.

46: Keep your truths simple.

47: Reality is that which we perceive and believe. Illusion is that which we perceive but deny.

48: Freedom is a state of mind.

49: Time does not exist. Yesterday, today and tomorrow are all what we are doing right now.

50: Our world is a reflection of our hearts.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

more one liners.... there r stillll many many many more to come :-))

1: Reality is a matter of opinion.

2: To see beyond oneself, one must learn to see oneself truly.

3: What separates man from the animals? His brain? Not totally! His emotions and feelings do.
Only man wants more than he needs.

4: Have absolute faith in human nature. But first, go find out what it really is.

5: Never forget the difference between change and development. And beware the grey area in
between them called evolution.

6: Stagnation is decline. As the Red Queen told Alice, you have to run as fast as you can just to
stay where you are. To get anyplace, you must run at least twice that fast.

7: This world is a joke - and people are forever predicting the punch line.

8: The way to manipulate people is through their beliefs.

9: Over control causes more problems than it solves.

10: Avoid going over your boss' head.

11: Your own kind are your greatest competition.

12: Remember, the easy path is all downhill.

13: At all costs, avoid allowing customs to develop the stigma of law.

14: Power is in the control of strength.

15: Wisdom is in the control of knowledge.

16: A match can be extinguished in gasoline, but is must be done correctly.

17: There is a difference between solving a problem and removing it.

18: Why are we here? Maybe for comic relief.

19: Are you anti-progress? Remember that God didn't even give us speech on a silver platter.

20: Patriotism and nationalism are petty prejudices. Against them, I pit ' speciesism.' I'm for the
human race as a species.

21: Anarchy would work if everyone was a democrat.

22: Society is where many different people pretend to be the same.

23: Consistency and humanity are almost contradictory terms.

24: Your way, my way, it makes no difference in the end.

25: The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist is more often happy
and a pessimist is more often right.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

**More Bumper stickers...**

**The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.

**Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.

**There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

**They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

**Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.

**So many pedestrians, so little time!

Monday, November 27, 2006

FUNNY LINES..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist!

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

43% of all statistics are useless.

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?

FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS contd..

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call
when I'm out.

When I get real bored, I like to drive to a busy area and get a great parking spot, then sit in my
car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Beat the evening rush hour, leave work at noon!

Drive defensively - buy an army tank.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like his passengers.

If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Now that you're after me, wanna get married?

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

I Brake For No Apparent Reason.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS...!!

No Radio - Already Stolen.

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

Keep honking - I'm deaf

Earth first! (We'll rob the other planets later)

Dacoits: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

In a few years I'll be tall enough to see over the wheel.

Woman make great leaders, you're following one.

If you can read this, you are inquisitive

I need patience. NOW!

Witch: My other vehicle is a broom stick.

My God is alive - sorry about yours.

Witches' Parking - All others Toad.

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.

Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.

I think therefore I'm dangerous.

I have a handgun and it's licensed. Any more questions?

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.

I brake for hallucinations.

MORE FUNNY LINES..!!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

A friend is someone you can call to help you move. A best friend is someone you can call to help
you move a body

There are two types of pedestrians...the quick and the dead

The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?

If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Fight crime, shoot back!

the best things in life are free plus tax

Why do they call apartments "apartments" when they are built together?

Saturday, November 25, 2006

NEW FUNNY LINES.. :-))

The grass is always greener on TV

Easier said than sung in Russian

Smile and the world audits your taxes.

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a
tree.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the
people who were here last year."

What a nice night for an evening.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy
Birthday".

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING!!

This one is an advertisement... but it deserves to be here!!

impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world
they've been given, than to explore the power to change it. Impossible is not a fact, it's an opinion. impossible is not a declaration, it's a dare. impossible is potential, impossible is temporary.........impossible is............nothing.

HOTTEST HEADLINES TODAY !!!

Hottest Headlines for today(Sabse Tez)

* India wins a cricket match; 120 people die of shock

* Bihar sold to Pakistan; In an unrelated incident, Literacy soars up to 86% in India

* Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family Planning.

* Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians

* Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst

* India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games

* Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software

* Laloo to be made National Animal

* Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of Independence.

* Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a stick and some Pottasium Permanganate

* No bombings in Kashmir today

* Ray of hope for India as Skipper Ganguly retires

* Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail

* Death penalty upheld for Attempted Suicide victim

MORE FUNNY LINES

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
-------------------------------------------------------
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough!
-------------------------------------------------------
Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?
No, I went for that five years ago.
-------------------------------------------------------
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
-------------------------------------------------------
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free
Trip around the Sun.
-------------------------------------------------------
Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep !
-------------------------------------------------------
Work fascinates me
I can look at it for hours !
-------------------------------------------------------
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends
-------------------------------------------------------
Love is photogenic;
it needs darkness to develop
-------------------------------------------------------
Children in backseats cause accidents;
Accidents in backseats cause children !
-------------------------------------------------------
A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place
and shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra
crossing there ?
The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do
-------------------------------------------------------
Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of
board which said FINE FOR PARKING
-------------------------------------------------------
A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been
brought here for drinking.
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
-------------------------------------------------------
Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting.
-------------------------------------------------------
Whom are you working for?
Same people. My wife and four kids.
----------------------------------------------------
I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.
Yes. Meow.
--------------------------------------------------
When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book.

FUNNY PROVERBS !!!!

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

43% of all statistics are worthless.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.

"A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a
mountain." .

"You never test the depth of a river with both feet."

"Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand."

"The believer is happy. The doubter is wise."

It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.

A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato—the best part of him is
underground.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.

A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.

He who never made a mistake never made a discovery.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

WHY NEWTON COMMITTED SUICIDE???

Here is the reason.
Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done. In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.
Here are a few scenes1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!
2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver butno bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah? Not even in your remotest imaginations.He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang...the gangster dies...
This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie forone last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy thatall in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast! The 'climax' finally arrives.Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he trieslike one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax.(Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws onegun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton Commits Suicide!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

FUNNY LINES contd

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Death is hereditary.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Double your drive space. Delete Windows!

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

FUNNY LINES

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Assassins do it from behind.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

FUNNY MALE LANGUAGE PATTERNS

I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "Ican't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our
anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked
women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember thewords to the theme
song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling
them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a
limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry
basket."

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some
pretty soon."

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm
starving."

"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey
game."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are
out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive
again."

"This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my
truck."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

FUNNY AND VERY VERY TRUE!!

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough
to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them
speak.

PJ's!!!

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

JOKES FROM A MALE PERSPECTIVE

Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? Their target audience is women.

What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomanic 18 year old girlfriend.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.

Why do women have mid-life crises? Because Phil and Oprah say they're supposed to.

How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? Sex, stupidity.

What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift? Trade her in for two 20 year olds.

Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.

What's the difference between a wife and a job. After 5 years, the job still sucks.

Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera? Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.

JOKES FROM A FEMALE PERSPECTIVE

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't
talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up

FUNNY BEFORE AND AFTER IN LOVE

BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

FUNNY ANSWERS- WHAT WOMEN THINK OF MEN

What should you do if you see a man rolling around on the floor in pain?
SHOOT HIM AGAIN

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
WHEN YOU CAN JUST BARELY SLIP YOUR FINGER IN BETWEEN HIS NECK AND THE NOOSE.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man’s penis?"
HIS BODY

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
THREE- ONE TO SCREW IN THE LIGHTBULB AND 2 TO LISTEN TO HIM BRAG ABOUT THE SCREWING PART.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
YOU DIDN’T HOLD THE PILLOW DOWN LONG ENOUGH.

Why do doctors slap baby’s butts right after they’re born?
TO KNOCK THE PENISES OFF OF THE SMART ONES.

Why do men name their penises?
BECAUSE THEY DON’T LIKE A STRANGER MAKING 90% OF THEIR DECISIONS.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
BECAUSE NOT ONE WILL STOP TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
THEY CLING, THEY RUN, OR THEY DON’T FIT RIGHT IN THE CROTCH.

What is the difference between a snake lying in the street and a man lying in the street?
THERE ARE SKID MARKS IN FRONT OF THE SNAKE

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

FAT JOKES

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just go "chunky dunking."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

FUNNY REASONS- GOOD TO BE A GUY

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be friends

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at
me."

Same work...more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th in 45 minutes.

FUNNY REASONS- GOOD TO BE A WOMAN

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies.

Male groupies are stalkers.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Free drinks.

Free dinners.

We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if we're gay.

We know the truth about whether size matters.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could rival the Speedo.

We don't fart to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

FUNNY ARMY QUOTES..!!

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate-the bombs always hit the ground.

"You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me."

A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

Five second fuses only last three seconds.

Friendly fire - isn't.

If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

Push to test. Release to detonate.

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little while longer. - Navy Seabees

The easy way is always mined.

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't.

Tracers work both ways.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

Without the firing pin, the Grenade is not our friend.

When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.

Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!

You don't win a war by dying for your country; You win a war by making the other SOB die for his country. - General Patton

"We sleep safely in our beds, because rough men stand ready in the night to inflict violence on those who would harm us." George Orwell

SOME MORE FUN!!!!!

1. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

2. Definition of a Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed ... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will !? What will ? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

13. Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."

14. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

SOME REALLY FUNNY ONES !!

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

So many stupid people... so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I Brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Wom en who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere m ay be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Keep honking...I'm reloading....

COOL ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent themoney. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us

(Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again... (ooh) No he'sout... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he...comes.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Computer style monotone: Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP

(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible

ANOTHER SET

1: Reality is a matter of opinion.

2: To see beyond oneself, one must learn to see oneself truly.

3: What separates man from the animals? His brain? Not totally! His emotions and feelings do. Only man wants more than he needs.

4: Have absolute faith in human nature. But first, go find out what it really is.

5: Never forget the difference between change and development. And beware the grey area in
between them called evolution.

6: Stagnation is decline. As the Red Queen told Alice, you have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. To get anyplace, you must run at least twice that fast.

7: This world is a joke - and people are forever predicting the punch line.

8: The way to manipulate people is through their beliefs.

9: Over control causes more problems than it solves.

10: Avoid going over your boss' head.

11: Your own kind are your greatest competition.

12: Remember, the easy path is all downhill.

13: At all costs, avoid allowing customs to develop the stigma of law.

14: Power is in the control of strength.

15: Wisdom is in the control of knowledge.

16: A match can be extinguished in gasoline, but is must be done correctly.

17: There is a difference between solving a problem and removing it.

18: Why are we here? Maybe for comic relief.

19: Are you anti-progress? Remember that God didn't even give us speech on a silver platter.

20: Patriotism and nationalism are petty prejudices. Against them, I pit ' speciesism.' I'm for the
human race as a species.

21: Anarchy would work if everyone was a democrat.

22: Society is where many different people pretend to be the same.

23: Consistency and humanity are almost contradictory terms.

24: Your way, my way, it makes no difference in the end.

25: The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist is more often happy and a pessimist is more often right.

26: Why is it that two minds are dumber than one?

27: Revolution is the means whereby men free themselves of old oppressors in order to make room for new oppressors.

28: Assassination attempts are the sign of an effective politician. The assassination need not be physical.

29: Remember, Rome didn't fall all in one day.

30: The most powerful force in the physical universe is human cussedness.

31: Never give your real name to strangers.

32: Keep all of your sense alert! The next stranger you meet may be your best friend.

33: No gift is too big to give, nor is any debt too small to repay.

34: Friendship consists of a mingling of souls.

35: There is no fairer flower than a friend's smile.

36: The is no more magnificent spring than renewing an old friendship.

37: The first time you meet a friend is really the second time.

38: Every time you see a friend is really the first time.

39: Friends are God's greatest gift to man.

40: The saddest sight in the world is two people passing each other in silence.

41: Something is wrong when one plus one becomes two.

42: A person who is a tower of strength to those in need may find himself trapped behind those walls when he is in trouble.

43: Friendship can be a terrible weapon in the wrong hands.

44: We are all bound by our truths.

45: Be careful in the truths you tell.

46: Keep your truths simple.

47: Reality is that which we perceive and believe. Illusion is that which we perceive but deny.

48: Freedom is a state of mind.

49: Time does not exist. Yesterday, today and tomorrow are all what we are doing right now.

50: Our world is a reflection of our hearts.

51: Intelligence is the root of all evil... ...and all good.

52: The morality of an issue may be discovered by studying the possible effects on all involved.

53: Beauty is the beholder.

54: The beauty we see partakes of what we would be.

55: Beware the philosopher who lives what he teaches.

56: It is better to light a single candle than to set the world on fire.

57: Boredom is the father of invention.

58: Adversity breeds philosophy.

59: A prophet is not listened to until he is acknowledged by another prophet.

60: In a debate, the way to make your opponent appear foolish is to act dumb.

61: A philosopher is someone who can make circular logic look like a straight line function.

62: God's existence is not dependant upon our belief in Him. But our existence is dependant
upon His belief in us.

63: Darkness is more honest than light.

64: Don't pay back a good deed. Pay it forward. Paying it back defeats the purpose.

65: Logic tells us that one and one is two. Imagination tells us that one and one is seven.

66: A lone star shining through the clouds is more beautiful than a sky full of stars.

67: Which is more beautiful; a caterpillar, a cocoon, or a butterfly?

68: Which is more striking? That men are all of one race and yet all different, or that men, being all so different are yet all one race?

69: I believe that man's final purpose is to yell to the universe, "I am here!" and get an answer.

70: We get out of life whatever we choose to put into it. This is why so many people are unhappy.

71: We must all live our lives in the way we are best suited.

72: Living is like jamming to hard rock.

73: Experience is the only teacher.

74: Always get a second opinion.

75: You always have an alternative.

76: Remember to match your type of lover to your type of loving.

77: Laugh at those who trouble you. Maybe they'll start laughing too.

78: Find someone who is sad and cheer them up. You'll feel much better after.

79: There is no reason to be sad.

80: Whenever you're lost, think of something you really like to do, then do it. A little fun will
wash the windows of your soul and let you see where you are going.

81: Remember, it's all your own fault.

82: Pain is how we remind ourselves that we made a mistake.

83: Pain is good feeling over-amplified.

84: Life is the game where only a moral victory counts.

85: Don't go to the butcher's for doughnuts.

86: Patience is the supreme virtue. It also helps in the attainment of the other virtues.

87: Sometimes the hardest thing is to have fun and really enjoy it.

88: If the laundromat gets to you, remember the 49'ers had their laundry sent to Hawaii.

89: It wasn't meant that we be enslaved by our free will. It just sort of happened.

90: Problems are just simple questions we've never had practice answering.

91: We only practice free will when we choose between two correct actions.

92: Freedom of choice is not the ability to choose between A or B but the ability to choose either
or neither.

93: Depression is like sleep. A little helps, just enough works wonders, and a lot will ruin you.

94: One of the hardest lessons is learning to say, "I love you."

95: Emotion is man's greatest and purest form of communication.

96: If I knew, really knew why I am here, I probably wouldn't be.

97: The soul is that which sees the truth. The mind, unfortunately, controls our bodies.

98: The mind is like a pinball machine.

99: Remember the difference between comfort and pleasure.

100: My opinion has no bearing on your reality.

CUP OF TEA

the longer u leave it in the stronger it gets, its a nice way of winding down after a long HARD day, u both can enjoy this in bed, NOT SEX A CUP OF TEA!!

A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is
one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, "Got any shoes
you're not using?" -- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.On the back it said, "Wish you were here."-- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.-- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.-- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreocookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest ofthe afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour. -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.-- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.I got a full house and four people died.-- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.You couldn't park anywhere near the place.-- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shapeof a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statuesthat are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.-- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.-- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.-- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearmswith me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.-- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?-- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.-- Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. Istood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolatecake?" I said, "yes". -- Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'llgive me the other one next year. -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. -- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. -- Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill toeverybody on the list. -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. Theywent "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.-- Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The skymust get awfully crowded. -- Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.-- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, andthen you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.-- Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?-- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".-- Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what? -- Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.-- Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn'tsee any forests. -- Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?-- Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little oldlady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you'reShakespeare? -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you'rereading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'mlike that all the time. -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartmentsomewhere. -- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"-- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.-- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.-- Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on allday. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. -- Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are youmaking?" "A salt lick." -- Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend. -- Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. -- Steven Wright

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.-- Steven Wright

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. -- Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. -- Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one? -- Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?-- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?-- Steven Wright

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. -- Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box ofthree-by-fives. -- Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me itwas none of my business. -- Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give itback. -- Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.Every crime ends with a sentence. -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. Bythe time I got the machine set up, I was done. -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out ofplay-dough. -- Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spiritgum. -- Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."-- Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. -- Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.-- Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup ofsugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." -- Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed. -- Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.-- Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now SantaClaus is missing. -- Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,"Don't I know you?" -- Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -- Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now Ican ride a unicycle. --
Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly theprescription ran out. -- Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -- Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman onTV was confused.
"It was supposed to be hot today." -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I saidto the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that istraveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anythinghappen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."-- Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope."We're surrounded." -- Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until Igot it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.-- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.-- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper theocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.-- Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening. -- Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -- Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this. -- Steven Wright

This isn't all true. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.-- Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. -- Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. -- Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there andlooked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty yearslater, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on theirdeathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.What did you think?" -- Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He saysit's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he toldme. -- Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.-- Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones? -- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?-- Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so oftenI would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from awoman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stayright up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. -- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every oncein a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might havewritten that." -- Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?" -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. Shesaid, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.I was an only child....eventually. -- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:]I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!-- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planetEarth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."-- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statuesthat are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. -- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I orderedFrench Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in theshape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and thetable would move across the floor to it. -- Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.-- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I meltdry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,"ten-four." -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy waslocking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." Hesaid, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if theycan help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask mewhat size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It'sfree with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.-- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was puttingSlinkies on the
escalator. -- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people weretrapped on the escalators. -- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrapdepartment and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would knowwhen to stop unwrapping. -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the sameroom and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...-- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. -- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord. -- Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven'tyou called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has nofive on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it." -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. Theywent "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fishtank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, Igot a lotta calls yesterday." -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartmentsomewhere. -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious! -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designssynthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob adepartment store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money inthe vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so oftenI would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from awoman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a realbrick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'mgonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real." -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I neverhave to go upstairs. -- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camerato see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. -- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasingthem by watering them with ice cubes. -- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in frontof the fire for the evening in two minutes. -- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted torun the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,you had to pull off a sweater real quick. -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.-- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shapeof a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I hadto buy them again. -- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhoodkids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throwit at them. -- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my carkeys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I wasspeeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "righthere, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at allthe cars, "Get out of my driveway!" -- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, exceptI have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. -- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, soI just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]-- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'mthe only one moving. -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going reallyfast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot totake the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonicasounds *amazing*. -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast. -- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.-- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. -- Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near theplace. -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave amessage and I'll call when I'm out." -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every halfmile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don'tremember what it was. -- Steven Wright
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must bereally tired. -- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push downon it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.And see this thing? This steers it." -- Steven Wright
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you knowthe speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to beout that long..." -- Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't yousee the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."-- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I getpulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see itclearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who intheir right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.-- Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire areawas missing. -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time togo to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the endof tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, andshe said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it'sgoing to be up all night. -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" Isaid, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -- Steven Wright
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go overthere and write misspelled words on them. -- Steven Wright
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. Shesaid, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me andsaid, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went tosleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.-- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wiresbackwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, hesaid, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. Hecaught every other fish. -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like anidiot. -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores meand keeps typing. -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats onthem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Somepeople are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.-- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glassof water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.-- Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that whenI leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for fiveminutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. Youcouldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise goby. -- Steven Wright


 
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